Ladies, this is a little different than what I normally post (ya know, my usual straight from the depths of my heart advice), but today I am here to give you a laugh – and, well, to all the men reading, I’m here to find a date… so, keep on reading…
I am sure many of you ladies have been in far too many weddings (me: 11, 3 back-to-back in March alone!) and have stories for days. (Most are more reminiscent of Kristen Wiig in Bridesmaids than you’d care to admit, but that’s another post all together!)
Most of the time, going solo is my game plan, but there are times that you want to take a date just so you aren’t standing at the bar alone ordering your fourth gin and soda.
Sure, it can be nice not to have to worry about whether my date ate his food, drank his beer, or wore a bib. But there are times when you want to take someone so, at the very least, you have someone to hijack the photo booth with you.
Well, I have made it easy for you to find the perfect date for a wedding. Ask bachelors to apply with my foolproof wedding date application that you can use too. You just need to insert your appropriate details and send it off to the bachelors out there who are just waiting to cut a thousand rented dance floors.
Apply To Be My Next Wedding Date – Just Copy + Paste, Ladies!
Pop the champagne bottles and cut the biggest slice of cake because I have something very important and exciting to tell you all. I’m….IN ANOTHER WEDDING! Can you believe it? I am over the moon, AND I even picked out the linens and helped with the bridesmaid dresses. This bridesmaid gig couldn’t get better. You could tell me that Prince Harry was madly in love with me and wanted to make royal babies, and that would fail in comparison to the excitement I feel. If you don’t already know, I crush a wedding. You want a fun bridesmaid? I’m your girl. No one is dancing to the tunes the amazing band or DJ is playing? Well, you apparently didn’t see me sweating alone on the dance floor.
Here is the deal. I normally fly solo to weddings because, quite frankly, I am not trying to babysit while I map out my bouquet catching strategy. I will say that this wedding is up there in importance to me for many reasons:
A. It’s one of my best friends who stood in a tiny outhouse in Africa with me.
B. Her reception is at the old Piquette Plant in Detroit where the original Model T was built.
D. I built a tricycle with her.
E. Her fiancé is, well, he is pretty on point.
All that being said, I need a date for this wedding. Instead of randomly asking someone and making him feel bad for saying no or feeling obligated to say yes, I thought I would make it an application process. Now, you may have to pay for your own travel unless you live in or around the Midwest region, or I am feeling generous, but the perks are the following:
- Free food
- Free booze
- Place to crash
- Free tour and history lesson of Detroit
- A solid profile picture
If you are interested in partaking in this once in a lifetime event, then you can email me. The wittiest, most sarcastic response telling me why you would make the best wedding date will win. It must not be longer than 5 sentences. If you can do it in 140 characters or less, then you will automatically win. Be forewarned that I may go solo to this wedding, and if I do, then know that your responses will not be in vain. I will read them when I need a good, solid laugh. (It’s not like I don’t laugh enough anyway.) Cheers!
You must be a single man with no children and no criminal record. Your application will be disqualified if you pull a fast one. Due to Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram, all personal and criminal records are public knowledge.
There you have it, ladies. This isn’t to say that you need a wedding date because you most certainly do not. It’s just a way to have fun. May the wedding day odds be in your favor.