Is “Feeling Fat” Ruining Your Sex Life?

By Isabel Foxen Duke

For so many years, both in relationships and out, I never felt fully comfortable naked with my partner. 

I didn’t want to have sex with the lights on,

No one was allowed to touch my stomach,

and I only liked certain positions (ya know, because of the angles).    

SO DEPRESSING.

Then something clicked. “Feeling Fat” in bed wasn’t just ruining my sex life — it was ruining my life. It was ruining my relationships and maybe even more importantly, it was ruining my ability to enjoy basic biological pleasure — a key ingredient to overcoming emotional eating (which, ahem, I was also doing) and generally being a happy/healthy person. 

All that missing out on life, pleasure and actually having fun, lead me to sitting at home alone in my room eating Nutella straight out of the jar. Poor me.

And weight loss never broke the cycle. I couldn’t diet my way out of this one.

I knew that if I didn’t change my relationship with my body just as it was right in that very moment, I may never.

Now there’s no doubt that body acceptance is a process. It’s like chipping away at an ice sculpture with a toothpick. But we gotta start somewhere. And anything we can do to make ourselves feel sexier, more expansive, and empowered in our skin is A-OK with me.

Here are 5 Ways to Feel Smokin‘ Hot in Bed (and in life).     

1. Get Dressed (before you have sex). You may not be in the mood or feel good about your body, because you’ve been wearing sweatpants and a Scrunchie all day. Sometimes all it takes is a little mascara and some non-draw-string pants to remember that you’re actually kind of a bombshell. And if none of your clothes fit, or everything you own makes you feel like a beached whale, go buy new clothes…right now.    

2. Hit the Gym — not to lose weight or to look any different, but because women who work out feel better about themselves during sex regardless of their actual weight. Women experience an increased sense of self-esteem immediately after a work-out (due to endorphins and other cool chemicals we produce through sweating), so try to hit the gym before you get it on. As a bonus, women who work out are also more easily turned on and have better orgasms (also thanks to cool chemicals). Lucky girl.

3. Play Pretend. Imagine — just for a moment — that your body is exactly what your man wants right now – even if you just ate three orders of Pad Thai and can barely breathe. You’re body still works and is still sexy, I promise. What would it feel like in your body if you truly believed yourself to be, like, Dante’s Inferno level H.O.T.T. ? Picture it. Feel it. Hold it right there…okay, go have sex now.

4. Practice Makes Perfect. If you’ve been consistently putting your body down over the years, it may take a while before you believe something different. Affirmations (as uncomfortable and awkward as they may be at first) are great ways to change the tape in your head from “Please don’t touch my love handles” to “I want your face in my thighs right now.”

5. Let Yourself Be Legitimately Turned On. If you want to not give a shit where your fat rolls are landing during sex, think about the fact that you’re having sex.  Enjoy it! Feel what’s actually happening in your body. Remind yourself to pay attention to your…ugh, root chakra, instead of the double-chin you may or may not have from a particular angle.

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