Do You Obsess Over What You Eat And How You Look?
1. Do you believe that there are things in your life you can’t do and or can’t have because of your size?
A. Fuck no. I’d stand naked on a billboard next to Gisele Bundchen if there was a cute photographer or enough money involved.
B. Sort of. There’s this backless dress I really love, but I just can’t pull that shit off right now.
C. I am CONVINCED that I won’t find a man until I lose at least 20lbs. I feel like a woolly mammoth when I go out at night, and I totally undertake the role of “fat” friend.
2. How often do you make choices in your life based on what you can or should be eating?
A. I eat whatever I want. I don’t really understand this question.
B. It’s annoying when my boyfriend insists on eating at the Chip Shop in Park Slope, but he loves it, so I’ll go and eat the one thing on the menu that isn’t deep fried.
C. If I can’t choose the restaurant, I usually skip dinner with my friends altogether. I’ll meet them out later OR tell them I already ate and sit there with a vodka soda.
3. Which of the following best describes your diet du jour?
A. MACARONI AND CHEESE!!!!! and other stuff I like.
B. I try to stay away from carbs – when I’m not careful I blow up like a balloon.
C. Today I’m on my 3rd attempt of the Blue Print “Excavation Cleanse.” God willing I won’t end up facedown in a giant pan of brownie batter tonight.
4. Do you know how much you weigh?
A. I think my doctor does.
B. Yes, I weigh 131 lbs.
C. Last night I weighed 142 lbs, but this morning I only weighed 139. I have three scales, because I’m always nervous they’re lying to me.
5. How’s your sex life?
A. There’s nothing I love more than Cunnilingus.
B. My boyfriend wishes I’d do it with the lights on.
C. I regularly have sex with a giant t-shirt on and I only let myself have sex when I’m hungry.
MOSTLY A’s: Why are you even reading this? Are you trying to help your depressed little sister, because you definitely ROCK at not being obsessed with food.
MOSTLY B’s: CONGRATULATIONS! You fall into the category of 90% of women! (That’s an official statistic based on my own qualitative research). You haven’t totally gone off the rails into food and weight obsession, but you’ll probably like my free guide, How To Not Eat Chocolate Cake.
MOSTLY C’s: You know what I’m about to say, so I’m not even going to say it. I can be reached here for more information about how to stop being a crazy person around food. Also, you should definitely download “How To Not Eat Chocolate Cake,” like, immediately.